The daily Mash

The Daily Mash is on form today…

NEW FIGURES SHOW SLIGHT INCREASE IN DEMAND FOR STUPID, POINTLESS SHIT

BRITAIN could soon return to borrowing money from institutional loan sharks so it can buy shiny things to distract it from its desolate, meaningless existence, economists said last night.

EDINBURGH FRINGE KICKS OFF ANNUAL TOSSPOT MIGRATION

BRITAIN is set to become 68% more pleasant as the Edinburgh Fringe draws in the country’s full quota of pathologically self-absorbed bastards for the next three weeks.

As the rest of the country enjoys a well-earned break, the Scottish capital will once again be awash with sixth-form poetry, half-baked political idealism and post-modern reworkings of the A-Team as a feminist statement about pubes.

Sociologist Charlie Reeves said: “The Edinburgh Fringe has become a sort of ‘gobshite kettling’, a way of temporarily containing viciously self-confident Oxbridge graduates who are nowhere near as talented as they think they are but will still end up getting 500 grand a year from the BBC.”

IT’S OKAY TO HAVE A SMALL PENIS, WORLD TELLS PUTIN

RUSSIAN prime minister Vladimir Putin has been told it is okay to have a smaller than average penis and that he can stop all this nonsense whenever he likes.

A United Nation’s resolution has called on the bear-chested, gun-toting, horse wrestler to come to terms with his penis size and perhaps read a book or take up fly-fishing instead.

HARMAN’S HUSBAND URGED TO SHAG HER

THE husband of Labour’s deputy leader Harriet Harman was last night urged to give her a right good seeing to.

As Ms Harman called for all boys under 10 to be forced to wear bras for a year, men and women across Britain pleaded with Jack Dromey to take her to a West End show, fill her full of champagne and then close his eyes and just get on with it.

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